What terrified swimmers taught me about money
Part 2: The Perfectionist’s Guide to Getting Good With Money
I used to teach swimming lessons to people who had almost drowned or had other traumatic experiences in water. For them, a group class at the YMCA was not going to cut it.
One man, an actor in his 50s, had almost been carried out to sea by a rip current off a beach in Queens. Another woman was thrown in the deep end by a parent in a sink-or-swim exercise. Coincidentally, this is how most people are introduced to the wide world of bills, credit cards, and debt. You’ll learn, eventually.
But the problem is very few people “figure out” how to swim on their own, because swimming isn’t an act of willpower. Trust me, I’ve seen hundreds of smart, resourceful adults try to overcome their fear of water by squeezing their lips and eyes shut, forcing their face underwater, only to splash and exhaust themselves without moving forward at all.
Swimming is a skill (duh), and so is money.
If money was simply about trying hard, then perfectionists—who often have motivation and willpower aplenty—should surely be able to land themselves in a place of never having to worry about money again.
But is that the case?
Research shows that perfectionism actually lowers performance.
For instance, psychology professors who hold themselves to a perfectionist standard are less likely to produce publications, receive citations, and get published in high-impact journals.
Even Andre Agassi, no slouch at tennis, was told by a coach that his perfectionism was making him miss shots because he wanted to “hit a winner on every ball.”
This is what my swim students would try to do when they’d attack the surface of the water in a furious approximation of “swimming.” They were just trying to get across the damn pool.
It should be so easy. Other people make it look so easy.
In life, it’s easy to look at other people in the next ‘lane’ and think:
I should be able to stay on budget.
I should be further along on my financial goals.
I should have more to show for the amount of money I make.
These recurrent thoughts make you feel frustrated and impatient with yourself. All you can think about is getting across the pool, to your goal. But fixating only on your goal means you stop paying attention to the process, you know, the way you actually get there.
When my terrified swim students arrived on their first day, the very first thing I had them do was dip their chins in the water and practice breathing calmly.
This could take a while.
I’d encourage them to relax their arms, maybe even smile. Then, they would put their lips in the water and exhale gently, proving to themselves that they can control the flow of water in and out of their mouths. If you can’t feel safe with your face under the water, forget getting to the other side of the pool.
The same goes for money. If you don’t have some foundational skills, forget climbing out of debt or saving for college. This is why focusing on incremental process goals will do far more for you than the big, audacious goals you think you need to set.
For all the perfectionists out there (as well as all the misfits resigned to imperfection), here are some process goals to focus on:
Give every dollar a job. This has been the Maori face tattoo of YNAB for 20 years and it’s how millions of people have learned to get good with money. It’s simple; don’t rely on your bank balance as an indicator of how much money you have available to spend. Proactively set aside money for your rent, groceries, gas, health insurance, Netflix, etc. (Learn more here.)
Treat your non-monthly expenses like monthly subscriptions. Nothing trips people up more regularly than unexpected car repair, taxes, holiday spending. YNABers learn to fund these expenses each month so they always have the money right when they need it.
Adjust your plan as needed (probably often). Life never goes the way you expect it, and so it would be an exercise in stubbornness to stick to a plan you once believed was the right one. Your money is a pile of potential; it has no particular spending destiny.
When you do these regularly, soon you’ll find you’re in a different financial situation than you were at the start. You’ll see yourself crossing the pool and it won’t feel like a battle or a character test. It might even feel fun, which is what you forget when you were so focused on not messing up.
You just had to trust the process.
I’d love to hear from you – what kind of small, incremental process goals have helped you get good with your money or even just build a more comfortable relationship with your money?
Until next time,
Dan
I had it stuck in my mind for a long time that moving money around in my categories was a failure. Like I should somehow be able to perfectly predict how much I'm going to spend on groceries or gas each month. Once I let go of that, I was finally able to take the stress out of my budget. My budget is a guide not a prescription and there is no such thing as "a normal month," moving money makes me flexible not a failure.
Checking in with my money on YNAB every day has helped me get so much better with my money and helps me to remain more accountable to myself. It's a morning date every morning with my coffee!